www.read.forumsplace.com D I R T Y J O K E S A N D B E E R S T O R I E S O F T H E U N R E F I N E D www.read.forumsplace.com DRE W C A R E Y D I R T Y JOKES A N D BEER S T O R I E S O F T H E U N R E F I N E D BANTAM BOOKS SYDNEY • AUCKLAND • TORONTO • NEW YORK • LONDON www.read.forumsplace.com DIRTY JOKES AND BEER A BANTAM BOOK First published in Australia and New Zealand in 1998 by Bantam Bantam hardcover edition 1997 Published by arrangement with Hyperion, 114 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10011 USA Copyright 1997 by Work Hard, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, store in a retrieval system, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, with- out the prior written permission of the publisher. National Library of Australia. Cataloguing-in-Publication Entry Carey, Drew. Dirty jokes and beer: stories of the unrefined. ISBN 0 73380 192 7 1. American wit and humour. I. Title. 818.5402 Bantam books are published by Transworld Publishers (Aust) Pty Limited 15-25 Helles Ave, Moorebank, NSW 2170 Transworld Publishers (NZ) Limited 3 William Pickering Drive, Albany, Auckland Cover photograph by Robert Sebree Designed by Kathy Kikkert Printed in Australia by McPherson's Printing Group 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 www.read.forumsplace.com This book is dedicated to everyone at Hyperion for having such a tremendous amount of trust in me, considering that I've never written a book before and was kicked out of college twice. I would dedicate this book to my mother and my family, but they haven't given me as much money as Hyperion has. www.read.forumsplace.com THE T H A N K Y O U PAGE Thank you to Bruce Helford, the Executive Producer of The Drew Carey Show, and the guy I created the show with, for all of your honest opinions; and your ability to say that something really sucks without coming right out and saying it. Thank you to my managers, Rick Messina and Richard Baker, to my lawyer, Dennis Ardi (glad you're on my side), and to all of my agents at the United Talent Agency. The check's in the mail. Thank you to my accountant, Walter Lesley, and my publicists at Wolf-Kasteler, Christina Papado- poulos and Ame Van Iden. Thank you all for fight- ing for me and being my friend. Thank you to Mort Janklow, my book agent, who closed this deal while he was holed up in his bathroom with the flu. No lie. Thank you to Marcy Woolard, my assistant. How do you put up with it? The good boss, the nice car, the easy hours? Thank you to all the writers on The Drew Carey Show. Without you, what would I say? Thanks for accepting me as one of your own. Thank you to Sam Simon, who I am lucky to count as more than just a friend, but a role model. The only way I could be as funny and as nice as you, is in my dreams. Thank you to all my cast mates on the show: Die- drich, Ryan, Christa, Kathy, Craig, Ian, and every- one else, including my great crew. I'm the luckiest guy on the face of the earth. Thank you for all of the last-minute editing help that I got from Les "King of the Big Dick Jokes" Firestein (punch-up and editing) and Betsy Voinov- ich (very helpful story note's, and much needed thought organization on some of the essay's), who both came in about five day's before the deadline and helped calm me down and show me where the apostrophe's are supposed to go. Thank you everyone who's ever touched me, seen me, or pumped my gas. I love you all. A N O T E TO THE R E A D E R Thanks for taking the time to read my first book. I hope you enjoy it. I just wanted to remind you that I didn't use a ghost writer for this. I could have. I probably should have, it would've been easier. But because of pride, I didn't. It's all mine, except for a couple of jokes that I got from my friends, and the jokes at the be- ginning of the chapters. So, if you're a "real writer" and you're thinking to yourself "I could've done better than this," you're probably right. But then, you don't have a TV show, so . . . I'm sorry. I know that I only write "pretty good for a celebrity"; I am to writing what Bruce Willis is to the Blues. But I didn't make the marketplace, I just took advantage of it. While writing this book, there were a few tools I used that I couldn't have done without: My Macin- tosh computer (Macs Rule!), and Microsoft Word 6.0.1 (I had Word 5.1 until just this year, and now I kick myself for not upgrading sooner). I also used two great programs, Inspiration®, and IdeaFisher®, both available at your local computer store. I couldn't have written this book without them. My biggest help, though, was from the publishers of Writer's Digest Books. I have a whole slew of "how to write" books from them that were like my own personal "English Professor on a shelf." They were full of invaluable advice, and I can't recommend books from WDB highly enough for the first-time celebrity book writer. CONTENTS HE L L O • xi i i D I R T Y JOKES VEGAS • 3 BASIC HOME THEATER • I I HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS • 19 SNOWBOUND • 26 HAIL TO THE CHIEF • 32 FUN AT AIRPORTS • 39 LIFE WITHOUT FOOTBALL • 43 LIVE LONG AND PROSPER • 49 SINGLE MAN BLUES • 53 101 BIG-DICK JOKES • 60 BEER WHAT'S MIMI REALLY LIKE? • 73 THE CRITICS SPEAK! • 75 THE DEPARTMENT OF BROADCAST STANDARDS AND PRACTICES • 87 HARD COPY MADE EZ • 104 TABLOIDS MADE EZ • 114 FAQ.COM • 122 MY NIPPLE'S GOT A HOLE IN IT AND I MIGHT DROWN • 136 MY SHORT, HAPPY LIFE • 140