The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Parody on Iolanthe, by D. Dalziel This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: A Parody on Iolanthe Author: D. Dalziel Illustrator: H. W. McVickar Release Date: June 16, 2014 [EBook #46001] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A PARODY ON IOLANTHE *** Produced by Chris Curnow, Paul Marshall, Judith Wirawan, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) Title Page A Parody on Iolanthe BY D. DALZIEL, Editor of the Chicago NEWS. LETTER. The Whole Illustrated by H. W. McVickar. Published by D. DALZIEL The Halch Lithographic Co. New York. MDCCCLXXXIII [Pg 1] [Pg 2] [Illustration] A Parody on IOLANTHE (Respectfully dedicated to the Conductors of the Chicago & Alton Railroad.) (By D. Dalziel, Editor of the Chicago News-Letter.) Scene.—A fairy glade on the Chicago & Alton Railway, at Holy Cross, Illinois. The country bears evidence of the utmost prosperity. It is early in June, yet the fields for miles in every direction are waving with already ripened grain that is going to take first prize at the next National Exhibition. The ensuing scene occurs in the brief interval allowed for purposes of safety between the trains on this road. Chorus of fairies, discovered dancing over the wheat stocks. (Enter Rocky Mountain Fairies, led by Leila, Ceila, and Fleto.) CHORUS Tripping always, tripping ever, By each glen, each rock, each river, We must twirl and we must twine Round about the Alton line. L C L C Q L Q L Q A Q L Q I SOLO. EILA— If you ask us how we ride, See our cars and step inside: Cars of most convenient size, Cars enchanting tourists' eyes, Pullman Palace sleeping cars, Free from dust, from noise, from jars; Cars with soft reclining chairs, Where we nestle free from cares; Cars no cynic can place fault on, Chicago, Kansas City, Alton. Spite of distance, time, or weather, See three cities link'd together. EILA— That is extremely true and very pretty. Moreover, it is a very noble employment, this acting in behalf of the foremost railway of the world. Still, we are not altogether happy. Since our queen banished Iolanthe, our life has not been a transcendent one. EILA— Ah, Iolanthe was a whole team, and, like the Alton Road, she was the only one in the crowd who carried a proper train. But according to the laws of Fairydom, she committed an unpardonable sin. The fairy who marries a mortal must die. EILA— But Iolanthe is not dead. (Enter Fairy Queen.) UEEN— No, because your queen, who loved her as much as a member of the State legislature loves a railway pass, commuted her sentence to travel for life on other lines, and sooner than do it she confined herself in a pond. EILA— And she is now working out her sentence in Iowa. UEEN— Yes. I gave her the choice of States. I am sure I never intended that she should go and live under a culvert beneath the bank of an Iowa railway. EILA— It must be damp there, and her chest was always delicate. UEEN— Yes. An Iowa railway is hardly the place to send a delicate chest. Even an iron-bound trunk has no show on any other line than the Chicago & Alton. I do not understand why she went there. LL— How terrible; but, O Queen, forgive her. UEEN— I've half a mind to. EILA— Make it half and half, and wholly do it. UEEN— Well, it shall be as you wish. Arise, Iolanthe. (Iolanthe arises.) OLANTHE— Must I again reflect my grievous fault on—— [Pg 3] [Pg 4] [Illustration] [Pg 5] [Illustration] [Pg 6] [Illustration] [Pg 7] Q I Q I L I S I S Q S [Illustration] UEEN— Oh, no; we bring you back to bliss and Alton. And now tell me: with all the world to choose from, why on earth did you go to live at the bottom of that Iowa culvert? OLANTHE— To be near my son Strephon. UEEN— Your son! I didn't know you had a son. I hardly think you'd oughter, Iolanthe. OLANTHE— He was born shortly after I left my husband at your royal command. EILA— What is he? OLANTHE— He is an Arcadian brakesman. He is one of those extremely pure young persons who have passed a competitive examination of intelligence before they can become anything on the Alton Road. Ah, here he is. (Enter Strephon.) TREPHON— Good morrow, good mother; I'm to be married to-morrow. OLANTHE— Then the Counselor has at last given his consent to your marriage with his beautiful ward Phyllis. TREPHON— Alas! no. He is obdurate. He wants nothing less than a General Passenger Agent. UEEN— But how to get round this difficulty with the Counselor. Should you like to be a General Passenger Agent? TREPHON— That would hardly do. You see I am half human, half fairy. My body is of the Alton Fairy kind, but my legs are of another line, and would be likely to take me on the wrong track. [Pg 8] Q S Q O C UEEN— Well, your fairyhood doesn't seem to have interfered with your digestion. TREPHON— It is the curse of my existence. What's the use of being half a fairy? My body can go through the air-brake pipe, but if my legs ever get between the couplers, I'm a goner. There is one advantage: by making myself invisible down to the waist, I have collected damages from one railway company several times, because they couldn't find the rest of me after an accident. My legs, I suppose, will die some day, and then what will be the use of my bust? I can't satisfy Phyllis with half a husband. UEEN— Don't let your legs distract you. They shall be our peculiar care. The Alton does nothing by halves. So farewell, attractive stranger. [Exit all. (Enter the entire corps of officers of all the railways west of Chicago, except the C. & A. They are accompanied by a band, in which the instruments are exclusively and appropriately made of brass. The blowers in this band are the employés of the railway officers.) FFICERS— Loudly let the trumpet bray. Tan-tan-ta-ra, tan-tan-ta-ra! Proudly bang the sounding brasses, tzing, boom! As upon its lordly way this unique procession passes. Tan-tan-ta-ra, tan-tan-ta-ra! etc., Tzing, boom, tzing, boom! etc.> Bow, bow, ye lower trav'ling masses. Bow, bow, ye folks who ask for passes; Blow the trumpets, bang the brasses. Tan-tan-ta-ra! Tzing, boom! etc., etc. (At conclusion, enter Counselor.) OUNSELOR— The law is the true embodiment Of everything that's excellent; It has no kind of fault or flaw, And I, for cash, expound the law; A constitutional lawyer I, For a great railway society; A very agreeable post for me, While my railway planks down its fee; A solid occupation for A money-making counselor. [Pg 9] [Pg 10] [Illustration] [Pg 11] [Illustration] [Pg 12] [Illustration] [Pg 13] C L [Illustration] CHORUS OF OFFICERS. OUNSELOR— And though the compliment implied Inflates me with legitimate pride, It nevertheless can't be denied, I feel its inconvenient side; For she has lots of Alton stock, As good as gold, and firm as a rock. But there'd be the deuce to pay, O Lord, If I patch'd up a match with my wealthy ward, Which rather gets up my dander, for I'm such a susceptible counselor. So if a director would marry my ward, He must come to me for my accord; In the Alton office I'll sit all day, To hear what agreeable men may say. But Phyllis declares she's not for he, She's not for thou, and she's not for thee, She wont have you, and she wont have ye, Because her mind is made up for A Chicago & Alton director. (Enter Lord Beeseekew.) ORD B.— And now let us proceed to the business of the day. Few of us have done any business for many days. [Pg 14] C P A C S C S OUNSELOR— True. Let us proceed more rapidly than your trains. Phyllis, my ward, has so powerfully affected you that you have let all your railways go to eternal smash, and you have asked me to give her to whichever one of you I may select. It would be idle for me to deny that I, too, have been wonderfully attracted to this young woman. My affection for her is rapidly undermining my constitution, just as it has undermined the constitutions of all your railways. But we shall hear what she has to say herself, for here she comes. (Enter Phyllis.) RECITATIVE. My well lov'd lord and guardian dear, You summoned me, and I am here. CHORUS OF GENERAL PASSENGER AGENTS. Oh, rapture! how beautiful, How gentle, how dutiful! (Gen. Pass. Agents make a dumb appeal to Phyllis.) SONG. HYLLIS— I'm very much pain'd to refuse; My guardian you can't lay the fault on. The only young man I would choose Must be from the Chicago & Alton. That road so eclipses the rest, Its men are so handsome and hearty, That I know where to turn for the best, When I want a particular party. (Enter Strephon, the brakeman; Phyllis rushes to him.) It must not, cannot be, Your suits my heart has riven; Yon jolly brakeman see, To him my heart is given. LL THE G. P. A.'S—Jerusalem! OUNSELOR— And who has dared to brave our high displeasure, And thus defy our definite command? TREPHON— 'Tis I, young Strephon; mine, this rosy treasure; Against all lines I claim my darling's hand. (Exit all the G. P. A.'s in disgust, and with as much dignity as if they belonged to the Alton Road. Strephon and Counselor remain.) OUNSELOR—Now, sir, how dare you fall in love with my ward? TREPHON— Love knows no guardianship. We follow our inclinations. As I whirl along the Alton Road, all nature speaks of her love, and says "Take her." I read it on the face of the Sphinx Rock. William's Cañon thunders it forth, the Snowy Range melts in sympathy with our love, the Twin Lakes are one in wishing us joy, the Bowlder Falls leap with joy at our prospective union, and from Alton to Santa Fé every bird and bush and tree choruses our bliss; and can you say nay? [Pg 15] [Pg 16] [Illustration] [Pg 17]